Greatest Quote Ever

As I was reading the human behavior book "Predictably Irrational", the author Dan Ariely discusses the overlap of social norms, and monetary norms. In particular, he mentions the deadly consequences of mixing the two. For example, if after a spectacular Thanksgiving Dinner you whipped out $400 to give to your mother in law for the great meal, more likely than not you would never be invited back to any future family events.
What was then brought up was the pain of the first, second, and third date, and how the man (usually) has to lay out the cash for everything under the sun. And for what? Which leads to, IMHO, the most greatest quote of all time.

"The most expensive sex is free sex"

Just sayin'.

Shennanigans

Alright- I've been continually remiss in posting. My bad. Hopefully, in the next few weeks, I can 'splain. So just to whet the appetite, some miscellany:

1. Got a new blackberry. As in- today. It's sorta exciting. Except now I realize that I got this thing to help me with work. So now I'll be more efficient. Which means, probably, more work. Blech
2. Shennanigans! Politicians are all pretty much a joke. I have never been more disinterested in politics than I have been lately. In the past few days, I have heard several different "plans" being proposed, all of which involve giving at least 700 HUNDRED BILLION. That looks like that on the screen
700,000,000,000

Which is a million millions. Or..... seven million millions. Something like that. And the money is supposed to go to the people who were supposed to control the money so it didn't get wasted.

Not so coincidentally, many of my old friends/colleagues have been commenting that they may be returning to ye olde homestead (Long Island) because it's become a little too unaffordable to live away- or they are trying to nest up to save for a new house.

3. Wil Wheton is awesome. I say this mostly because I may have wished to God, Satan, and possibly Cthuhlu for his death. Please understand, this was mostly during my 13th year of life, when my girlfriend threw much undue attention his way. I think she broke up with me because of my unbridled madness. Or maybe it was my brillo hair. I prefer to blame Wil, because, hell, he's awesome, was in Stand by Me, and is playing the geek card to the Nth degree, much to the satisfaction of his wallet and his inner geek. Now I hate him for reasons beyond his dimples and his portrayal of teenage angst. Go see him at http://www.wilwheaton.typepad.com/

4. This past monday, my friend Jeff and I were laboring over our hatred of our friend Joe. Then we realized we probably will not have much of a chance to see him- what with him being in St. Louis and all. I then commented that, well, maybe at family funerals I will see him, since he is my wife's cousin. Lo and behold, a half an hour later, my wife texts me with the sad news that her grandfather passed away.

You all are thinking what I am thinking, yes?
Wait for it..... Wait..... Hold...........................HOLD. PULL!

My subconscious somehow killed my wife's grandfather, just so I could see Joe again.

Unfortunately (on many levels- what with Joe's grandfather dying in this scenario) Joe was not able to make it this past week. So now our level of hatred of Joe is rising... cause, quite frankly, WHAT WILL I DO NEXT TO GET HIS ATTENTION?

Just kidding. RIP Grandpa. You had 95 years on this earth, which is more than most, and you are much honored and remembered.

5. My house stinks like dog and BO. I'm not sure how or why, because the place was smelling Spring Fresh for the party this past weekend. My birthday BTW. Hope you all are feeling sorry for not sending me a gift.

That's about it for now. I am nowhere near as industrious as my fellow bloggers, and I hope they forgive me.

The Professor chimes in- the new semester begins

Well, it's been four months since I've last written to my demanding public. What's worse is that my last postings' displayed a Reubenesque lounger, and quite frankly, the world needs less ugly in it. Let me be the first to say "my bad."

So here's what you've been missing from this side of the thing.

1. I lost 20 lbs. My secret method involved eating less, and exercising more. You can accomplish the same in far less time, but it will require a hacksaw, and the removal of your least favorite leg at or about the knee.

2. My wife and child remain wonderful, beautiful, and the loves of my life. My mutt? Eh, give or take. Right now he is sleeping peacefully, curled on his doggie bed- he is allowed his reprieve.

3. The writing has been in their doldrums. Summer- what with the outside being so shiny, with all it's fresh air and slick water filled pools- has kept me away from the keyboard. Also- there have been some rumblings within my industry that things might get a little shaky. So I've been.... battening down the hatches, as it were. This has, honestly, been taking up a lot of my free time

4. I've been sort of ruminating on what to write. Will it be the Irish fantasy anti hero novel? The fast paced, flashy vampire short story? The bizarre reincarnation story? How about writing...... like, a page for each, once a week?

I suck!
Some Miscellany:

Tonight, I enjoy a early Thursday Night Football Game, involving my Beloved... ahem.... SUPER BOWL CHAMPION......New York Giants. Jacobs and Buress seem to be all the offense the Giants need to win.

Halftime is over. More to come- I believe I will be talking about "growing up geek", or something like that.

"Benefits Supervisor Sleeping", Lucien Freud. 33.6 Million. Grandson of Sigmund, I believe.

Couldn't have someone used that sheet there in the background to cover her up? I mean, she's probably freezing!

Apparently the painting is immense, which goes without saying. So maybe they were just charging for material costs.

The best things in life are free

8 dollars for a gallon of gas within the next 18 months. You heard it here first! And I'm not just talking diesel here.

Personally, I think it's far more important to learn how to make $100 as compared to save $100, but....I think in the upcoming trying times, we can learn to focus on value.

Benjamin Franklin was a smart American, and I believe a rather well respected fellah all around. He invented all sorts of things with Electricity, Waves, firefighting. He got all involved with diplomacy, writing some important country founding documents- but most importantly, he was quite the playa with the ladies. European ladies even. I do wonder sometimes how he found time to do all these things, but then I read that he lived until he was about 84. I'm sure he was somehow hooked up to a bifocally powered Iron Lung or Hyperbaric chamber to get there. Suffice to say, now that I know I have another 50 years, I'm gonna start on catch up.

Maybe the greatest boon from Franklin's brainworks to our society would be....drumroll please.....the lending library. He assembled some rather wealthy printers to create, and thusly lend, books. Books were rather expensive those days. Terms like "two pence threepence full" apparently were todays equivalent of the GDP of Canada.* I can only assume that since people did not have books, that they all carried those adorable hand held chalkboard tablets that the schoolkids had in "Little House on the Prairie." Still not sure how they all learned to read. But I digress.

Considering the explosion of HD and Plasma TV's, I am under the impression that the following image is somewhat foreign to most folk:


** (these asterisks should be next to the picture of the card- I'll fix it if/when I can)

Technically, the library is not "free" since our taxes go to its support, but I think you all catch the drift. I understand the comfortable temptation of having our stories compacted into half hour or hour bites. But honestly, when was the last time that you learned something from TV? Unless you religiously watch HGTV*** or the History/Discovery channel- we're seriously dumbing ourselves down. I'm not saying we need to cut it out, but maybe... in half? Is that so much?

Think of the money you can save just by doing some research and planning through reading. I know that Google and the interwebz covers a great deal of information, but it doesn't cover everything. You can get books, DVD's, even comic books (graphic novels, mindya) through the library. Buying a new book isn't idiotic- but is there a story that is so good that you can't wait a month or two for it to come out for free in the library? Many good ideas for business are sold through a book (with other "products" being upsold after completion of the book.) You can save yourself that initial outlay by just waiting a bit, wading through any information for free once the book/movie is in the library, and then buy the item if you really like it.

I know this sounds cheap/frugal- and I have a hard time arguing. If you are clearing 200-250K a year or more, than this advice is maybe a little too penny pinching. But even saving simply 30 bucks a month, or 360 a year- just by simply waiting a few extra days/weeks to satisfy yourself- can really mean something.

Like, give or take, about 45 gallons of gas for your car


* Ten dollars. Which was a lot back then, since there was no ice hockey or Molson "in the day"
** I used to drink milkshakes from Hershey- a "Cookies & Cream" in a bottle, that had 460 calories per serving- with two servings in the bottle. So if you could polish off 4 bottles- that would ensure that you would be one pound heavier the following day. I assume that they stopped producing these after "regulars" couldn't pinch our fat globby together to grasp dollar bills- nevermind fitting our hands into our pockets anymore
*** I just added HGTV since my wife watches the channel all the time. I know no one else watches it. (I kid I kid!)
**** I have done this blog entry as an homage to Dave Barry. If you haven't already, read "Dave Barry slept Here".

Why Family Guy is so important

So I'm reading "The Memory Book" in an attempt to shore up some of the neurons that may have gone adrift in last years Bacchael "Summer of Bob" (a slight derivation from Seinfeld's "Summer of George- I'll write on that later maybe.) Despite being a salesperson who needs to remember an alarming amount of facts- names have recently been escaping my mind with relative ease. Thus, the reading.

As I was soaking in my tub, leafing through some pages, the following proposition is put forth:

Remember, in order, the following words: Airplane, Tree, Envelope, Earring, Bucket, Sing, Basketball, Salami, Star, Nose.

Now, the authors (a founder of a memory school- go figure- and a Hall of Fame Basketball player from my beloved Knicks), recommends that to easily remember these items, you need to formulate in your head the most ILLOGICAL AND ABSURD linkage/associations between the words at the beginning of the list, using mental imagery.

Now dig this. I imagine an airplane cockpit, being driven by a tree pilot, who leans over and opens an envelope. After he opens it, he finds a gold MR. T earring and tries it on, but it doesn't fit, so he tosses it into the bucket that he uses for a wastebasket. The bucket then begins to sing a song about it's favorite basketball team the Salami Dunks, whose star player is called the "Nose", because of his ability to stuff the ball into his nostril and shoot it into the hoop.

I promise you, I will have a hard time forgetting this sequence of events. But the rub is this: This is all very easy to remember for me, because the entire image is framed using the cartoon style in "Family Guy"

Family Guy has it's critics, the first coming to mind being the brilliant creators/writers of South Park. But the deluge of non sequitirs, irreverence and devotion to absurdity (along with an award winning number of inside references) really floats my boat.
Sure, some of the laughs are "easy", but for a thirty-somethingish ummmm.... (what the hell am I now, a Generation X'er? Sure- why not) Generation X'er, it's refreshing to know that someone else out there was watching/reading the same things that I was. For whatever reason, this exercise is really easy for me with any list of words when I use the Family Guy animation/motif.

So in conclusion, with intelligence being a measure of an ability to absorb, maintain and process information, Family Guy is making me smarter. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Book review: Four Hour Work Week

Today, I am moving into uncharted territory, as I am going to perform a book review of a book that I 1) currently do not have in my possession and 2) have not read in over a month. And I will do this without the help of a net, condom, or sherpa. Wait- what's that? The scratching sound of skin crossing skin, as millions of my fans cross their fingers? That's what I thought!

Now, The Four Hour Work Week, by Timothy Ferris, is a bit misleading in it's title. If you are a Doctor, EMT, or teacher, please do not try to apply most of the techniques recommended in this book. You all picked your bed, now you got to sleep in it. However, if you are looking to get out of your current job, and start a new one- which may offer some easier hours/lifestyles- then do read. READ I SAID!

OK- this book is basically about life style. The title is so catchy because, quite frankly, many of us work long hard hours just to keep up. We have our typical American dream- white picket fence house, dog/cat, spouse and kid- working 9-5 (at least), with maybe both spouses working- etc etc. But are we all happy? Is the trade off worth it?

Ferris outlines a 4 step process which will allow us to further realize our dreams.
1. Definition: a targeted monthly income, how to get started, dreamlining (ie what is it we really want), fear setting (realizing what our fears are, and overcoming them). As with most remedies of similar nature- the way to begin a process is to break down the plans into attainable parts- even 24 hours plans. Nothing monumental here, except for that whole bothersome "what do I want to do that will make me enough money" hurdle. At least setting up these goals will help frame how much you really truly will need. What is vitally important though is to have mini goals, versus a "I need to make $150,000"
2. Elimination: This chapter is swell for learning how to "trim the fat" in our lives. The Pareto principle, or the 80/20 rule (80% of your results will be achieved through 20% of your efforts), combined Parkinsons law (work expands to fill the time you give it) reminds us that there is much we do in life, as in business, that is just "filler", and does not really add much to the bottom line. The greater our ability to eliminate these distractions, the more time we have. Stop spending so much time watching TV, reading newspapers, and on the interwebz, and *gasp* reading books (save Ferris' book, mind you), and you should be more productive. He even gives some recommendations as to how to handle your boss, or co-workers, if they keep trying to eat up your time. This should hopefully give you more time to concentrate on your business(es)
3. Automation: Now, here is the tricky part. Once you've set up your ideal/side business, you now need to pawn off most of the busy work to someone else. Ferris illustrates the cost ratios for outsourcing most business applications to India/Canada, and quite frankly, it's a little frightening how easy it could be. After reading many books on entrepreneurship, I have come to the realization that this option- the delegation part, is usually the most difficult for any successful businessperson. However, with having a business that you know you design with the forethought of handing over the reigns, perhaps this step is a bit easier.
4. Liberation: What to do with all your time now? If you've been working this all right- you can probably work mobile (mobily? Screw you Webster, and your dictionary!). Ferris Recommends "Mini retirements", a fan-spanking tastic idea of taking large chunks off at a time- ie- 6 months or so.

I hate to say it, but I love this book. A lot. It's an easy read, and the unconventional approach to living life is refreshing to say the least. To successfully realize the benefits of the system, it would probably be easier for someone a little more tech savvy (as most of the recommendations in the book involve working a web site, and ordering/shipping materials after promotion.) But whether we want to categorize our jobs as a "Rat Race" (that you Robert Kiyosaki), or even our lifestyles as such, Ferris tacitly infers that our time is our own, and that for the most part, our tethers are self inflicted.